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Tuesday, January 12th, 2010

Time:4:11 am.
Mood: tired.
Did you say something?

Go fucking kill yourself...
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, November 7th, 2005

Time:7:29 pm.
First, fuck Dan Brown and his fame and those who worship his worthless ass as well as those providing him with money for writing trash and to have said trash put onto film to taint the minds of the illiterate and lazy...if you want a better written story that is more believable and fun, as well as able to teach your sorry ass a fucking thing or two, go sift through fucking Bob Wilson's books (find his shit at rawilson.com...too lazy to make a link, so fuck you)...why don't you go compare the Illuminatus! Trilogy as well as the Historical Illuminatus Chronicles to Dan Brown's shit and get back to me...and to think I was going to read Digital Fortress or whatever the fuck it was called...Fuck you Dan "Shit" Brown

I am prime:

First in excellence, quality, or value. See Usage Note at perfect.
First in degree or rank; chief. See Synonyms at chief.
First or early in time, order, or sequence; original.
Of the highest U.S. government grade of meat.
Mathematics. Of, relating to, or being a prime number.

The earliest hours of the day; dawn.
The first season of the year; spring.
The age of ideal physical perfection and intellectual vigor.
The period or phase of ideal or peak condition. See Synonyms at bloom1.
The first position of thrust and parry in fencing.
A mark () appended above and to the right of a character, especially:
One used to distinguish different values of the same variable in a mathematical expression.
One used to represent a unit of measurement, such as feet or minutes in latitude and longitude.
also Prime Ecclesiastical.
The second of the seven canonical hours. No longer in liturgical use.
The time appointed for this service, the first hour of the day or 6 A.M.
Mathematics. A prime number.
A prime rate.
See primitive.

I agree, see primitive, but more importantly see the first definition up there...and now, the evidence...

2 3 5 7 11 13 17 19 23 29 31 37 41 43 47 53 59 61 67 71 73 79 83 89 97 101 103 107 109 113 127 131 137 139 149 151 157 163 167 173 179 181 191 193 197 199 211 223 227 229 233 239 241 251 257 263 269 271 277 281 283 293 307 311 313 317 331 337 347 349 353 359 367 373 379 383 389 397 401 409 419 421 431 433 439 443 449 457 461 463 467 479 487 491 499 503 509 521 523 541 547 557 563 569 571 577 587 593 599 601 607 613 617 619 631 641 643 647 653 659 661 673 677 683 691 701 709 719 727 733 739 743 751 757 761 769 773 787 797 809 811 821 823 827 829 839 853 857 859 863 877 881 883 887 907 911 919 929 937 941 947 953 967 971 977 983 991 997 1009 1013 1019 1021 1031 1033 1039 1049 1051 1061 1063 1069 1087 1091 1093 1097 1103 1109 1117 1123 1129 1151 1153 1163 1171 1181 1187 1193 1201 1213 1217 1223 1229 1231 1237 1249 1259 1277 1279 1283 1289 1291 1297 1301 1303 1307 1319 1321 1327 1361 1367 1373 1381 1399 1409 1423 1427 1429 1433 1439 1447 1451 1453 1459 1471 1481 1483 1487 1489 1493 1499 1511 1523 1531 1543 1549 1553 1559 1567 1571 1579 1583 1597 1601 1607 1609 1613 1619 1621 1627 1637 1657 1663 1667 1669 1693 1697 1699 1709 1721 1723 1733 1741 1747 1753 1759 1777 1783 1787 1789 1801 1811 1823 1831 1847 1861 1867 1871 1873 1877 1879 1889 1901 1907 1913 1931 1933 1949 1951 1973 1979 1987 1993 1997 1999 2003 2011 2017 2027 2029 2039 2053 2063 2069 2081 2083 2087 2089 2099 2111 2113 2129 2131 2137 2141 2143 2153 2161 2179 2203 2207 2213 2221 2237 2239 2243 2251 2267 2269 2273 2281 2287 2293 2297 2309 2311 2333 2339 2341 2347 2351 2357 2371 2377 2381 2383 2389 2393 2399 2411 2417 2423 2437 2441 2447 2459 2467 2473 2477 2503 2521 2531 2539 2543 2549 2551 2557 2579 2591 2593 2609 2617 2621 2633 2647 2657 2659 2663 2671 2677 2683 2687 2689 2693 2699 2707 2711 2713 2719 2729 2731 2741 2749 2753 2767 2777 2789 2791 2797 2801 2803 2819 2833 2837 2843 2851 2857 2861 2879 2887 2897 2903 2909 2917 2927 2939 2953 2957 2963 2969 2971 2999 3001 3011 3019 3023 3037 3041 3049 3061 3067 3079 3083 3089 3109 3119 3121 3137 3163 3167 3169 3181 3187 3191 3203 3209 3217 3221 3229 3251 3253 3257 3259 3271 3299 3301 3307 3313 3319 3323 3329 3331 3343 3347 3359 3361 3371 3373 3389 3391 3407 3413 3433 3449 3457 3461 3463 3467 3469 3491 3499 3511 3517 3527 3529 3533 3539 3541 3547 3557 3559 3571 3581 3583 3593 3607 3613 3617 3623 3631 3637 3643 3659 3671 3673 3677 3691 3697 3701 3709 3719 3727 3733 3739 3761 3767 3769 3779 3793 3797 3803 3821 3823 3833 3847 3851 3853 3863 3877 3881 3889 3907 3911 3917 3919 3923 3929 3931 3943 3947 3967 3989 4001 4003 4007 4013 4019 4021 4027 4049 4051 4057 4073 4079 4091 4093 4099 4111 4127 4129 4133 4139 4153 4157 4159 4177 4201 4211 4217 4219 4229 4231 4241 4243 4253 4259 4261 4271 4273 4283 4289 4297 4327 4337 4339 4349 4357 4363 4373 4391 4397 4409 4421 4423 4441 4447 4451 4457 4463 4481 4483 4493 4507 4513 4517 4519 4523 4547 4549 4561 4567 4583 4591 4597 4603 4621 4637 4639 4643 4649 4651 4657 4663 4673 4679 4691 4703 4721 4723 4729 4733 4751 4759 4783 4787 4789 4793 4799 4801 4813 4817 4831 4861 4871 4877 4889 4903 4909 4919 4931 4933 4937 4943 4951 4957 4967 4969 4973 4987 4993 4999 5003 5009 5011 5021 5023 5039 5051 5059 5077 5081 5087 5099 5101 5107 5113 5119 5147 5153 5167 5171 5179 5189 5197 5209 5227 5231 5233 5237 5261 5273 5279 5281 5297 5303 5309 5323 5333 5347 5351 5381 5387 5393 5399 5407...

I, yet again, stop here...as we all know, once you find me what more is there to look for (actually this is just thrown in here because I needed something more than talking about Mr. Ass Brown, but I wish I could find or knew more to verify my numeric significance...)
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005

Time:5:48 pm.
Mood:blah...shut up.
Comments: Read 8 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, May 17th, 2005

Time:1:41 pm.
Mood: hungry.
please leave exclusive E3 information, images, and videos here...or you will all die...

(hey, I need to be kept in as good a mood as possible, and I love games, so fucking do it)

Edit: Fuck Microsoft! Fuck Sony (maybe)! I am getting a Nintendo Revolution(or whatever they wanna name it)...I am still pissed at Sony for trying to smash Nintendo, which will not likely happen...and I just hate Microsoft for being as low quality and shitty as they are (which Sony is also guilty of) and more so for trying to enter the console world...

ok, shut up now...I think they are gonna talk about E3 stuff on CNN...
Comments: Read 13 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, April 25th, 2005

Time:6:30 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, March 16th, 2005

Time:12:10 pm.
for months they call me one of the smallest portions of my ethnicity that I know of, jokes and teases...I finally use things I like to play along with them and they let me down...Tony Shalhoub is Lebanese...I am Mutt...the mongrels of the Nazis look at me with shame...Hail Monk!

I need more cyberpunk (and friends)...give me your obscure sci-fi
Comments: Read 8 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, December 23rd, 2004

Subject:...too much futurama? FUCK OFF!!!
Time:5:33 am.
fuck Xmas

I hope santa claus slaughters you all

fuck you
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, March 12th, 2004

Subject:Misanthropic Status: Critical
Time:1:32 pm.
Mood: enraged.
OK...Fucking tired of these fuckers. Yes, I am sick, motherfucker. I am not as strong as I am when healthy. So why is it, exactly, that I am out making sure everything is ready to go, even if I am a bit slow to rise and taking a breather every couple minutes, and I walk inside and see people who have been doing nothing the past couple days sitting in here, online, or in front of the television, rather than helping us make sure their vehicles are ready to go?

Or, please explain to me the sense in this: I try to get people a ride to go eat, and find they are to busy so try to help them out. I request that those who are going get a few plates to bring back to those who worked through lunch. Rather than taking 8 to-go plates without permission I request that the one of us in a leadership position who is going let the manager of the dining facility know we need 8 plates to take back, but get told to just grab plates, even with the "No to-go plates without permission of the management" rule posted on every door. Then I get informed by this individual that we have 30 minutes to get everyone their plates, as well as our own, to finish eating, then be out in the truck. I do not finish eating my food, but ensure I have food for everyone else, and get outside to the truck.

Yes, yes...then I try to make sure that the plates get to their people. Foolish me! most people got their food. But when I go to track down a plate that is missing I am informed it was given to one of the individuals from the first paragraph, that had a chance to go get his own food, and has been sitting around watching television all day. I go to ask another individual if he had any food left over, that I could give to the guy who had no plate, as the so-called leader gave his plate to someone else.

I assume this individual went and informed the guy that the bitch did this, and that all he had was the tuna I got him. He went to her and thanked her for the plate she didn't bring him. She finds me, and, as the very mature leader that she is, bitches at me telling me it was my responsibility to get him the plate, and that the person I told her to get food for had a plate, so she was not getting it for him, making it right to give it to anyone else (one of the 2 other guys who knew who all the plates were for gave the person the plate that led to this). She claims I am irresponsible, which I will accept, but NOT before I comprehend how she showed any responsibility, or even did things the way they we are told to do them.

I do not think she is to blame. At least, not her alone. I blame the fools she whined to asking to get promoted. I blame the guy who is senior to her that took the food of one of the people both of them should be looking out for (I can just imagine how this fucking convoy will be, especially in the unlikely even we get attacked. We have been here a year. How can these people still not have their shit straight?). I blame myself, for so much, including trying to help out those around me, and still believing things should sometimes be done the way they are set up to be run. I do not blame Eris for pushing the hand of one individual to give a plate to someone who I had already sent someone to give a plate to. I blame the parents of the pathetic, lazy people (including myself) who never showed their children to be more responsible. Now I see again why I do not want a child. Perhaps if I can create a perfect humanoid creature and raise it the way it should be raised I will father a child. So tired of being alone, and so flawed. Fucking glad I will soon be able to limit my exposure to these foul creatures. Currently do not care if I seem "odd" or "weird" to them. My interests are my own, and soon I will no longer need to waste my time attempting to conform to their standards. These deluded animals are the most despicable things I have yet come across.

At least that lovely song that they do that Tango dance to is pretty to me. Wait...that is the song and dance, isn't it? Regardless, it is beautiful.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, March 9th, 2004

Subject:bitching and whining and boring
Time:3:32 pm.
Mood: apathetic.
I think I am now positive I am not very good in public. Had to go see if some of the guys replacing us had some paperwork. Had never been down there to where they are set up. Walked down there. Looked in a door. Turned around. Went back to our room. I knew I had limited time to take care of all of this. Went back down there. Looked in the door. Walked in. Turned around. Went back. I couldn't even ask where the place I was looking for was located. I begged one of our chicks to walk with me. She asked if I asked anyone where it was. She said she couldn't help me when I told her I had not. A couple other people were too busy. Finally, one of the guys I used to work with and hang out with sometimes said he would show me where I needed to go.

I found out what they needed. I had brought it with me, but they didn't have a printer, so I went back to print it. When I looked at the printer I usually use it was off. I asked someone else if I could use their printer. Someone was on the computer connected to the printer. I went to the people who have a printer connected to their network, but their printer was not working. Eventually I found a printer to use. When I printed it the page for 23 Feb printed twice. How amusing.

Hand washing laundry is dangerous. It is even more dangerous when you are doing it with the lights turned off so that all the bugs go to the little trap bag thing. And when you have a water heater that, and a shower head that is fucked. Put the shower head in the tub, as it is too hot to hold, then turn it on all the way. Notice that warmth on your foot? Yes, that is the water that was heating up the shower thing so which caused you to put it down. Notice how your foot is burning now. Damned boots and bloused pants. Stupid shower head that sprays out the sides instead of the front.

Why is it so difficult for people to clean up after themselves? I do not mind if a personal area, but when it is a fucking common area that everyone uses it pisses me off to see trash all over. I look around after watching Super Troopers and see bottles laying around and trash all over the place, packing peanuts on the table, etc... What the fuck is so hard about cleaning up your stuff? I hadn't noticed it until today, but for the past 3 days I have been picking up the trash of others.

I just felt like wasting some time, so here is thisCollapse )
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, March 7th, 2004

Time:10:17 pm.
Hope to be leaving in a week. Got some stupid generic award today. Oddly, there were a couple people who did not get one, though it seemed everyone else was getting them. I feel that I do not deserve the shit they keep giving me.

Anyway, Internet connection seems much more stable. Was watching tv earlier, too. Now we get more than just AFN. I noticed a "Babe TV" channel, as well as a several sex tv channels. I think my favorite is 4FunTV. Has music and stuff. Saw a series of, um, "animated" shorts with this dog looking thing. 2 of note were one where the dog pissed on this guys motorcycle and the guy put this thing on the dog. It looked like a tube that went from the dog's firehose to above his head. It appeared it was to make the dog piss on itself. Another showed the dog barking at this ostrich looking thing. The bird put its head in its ass. The best part is they were really short, not long enough to get boring.

The dining facility was out of that red tomato based condiment that everyone puts on their fries and burgers and hotdogs. They have been running low on milk for a few days and are now out of everything but strawberry and banana milk. Only juice they have is man juice...that is, man-go juice, I mean.

I didn't eat enough pig flesh today, so at dinner I made my ice cream look like a pig's head and ate that. Yummy, chocolate flavored piggy. (someone just farted...I can't wait to get out of here)

Supplemental: Just found out there is going to be a HOPE convention this year. I have wanted to go to the last 2, but have been unable to go (same with various other gatherings of people). It is from July 9-11...I do not start my terminal leave until August. I will take a few days, or try and sneak to it if I have someone to go with, but I really want to go. Plus it seems, since it is the Fifth HOPE, that this one would be a good one for me to start with. So if someone out there would like to accompany me to HOPE this year, please let me know.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, February 19th, 2004

Time:8:25 pm.
Mood: content.


This may not be complete, as there are many places I have driven through and stayed over night, but these are all the ones I can think of that I have been to at least a couple times, or have spent a few days in.

I have noticed AN increase in the amount of Boom lately. It first came to my attention while I was eating last week. The other day, when the rocket paid a visit, was more of it. Some time prior to that there was some more, too. I think I would prefer much more Prickle. Prickle is great...favorite element.

Been better emotionally lately.

Developing some of my ideas further...

I am bored with this.

I hate being here.
Fucking connection sucks.
Need sex.

Comments: Read 25 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, February 2nd, 2004

Time:6:00 pm.
Mood: sad.
JH describes me as the personification of entropy. Must say I took that as a compliment.

Found out the other day that one of the guys I used to work with died. Cancer. Lung, I think. That sucks as he was pretty cool.

I found an email from Kelly in one of my Yahoo! in boxes. (Her site's registration expires in a couple days. I wonder why I had so many problems finding her site or getting an email to her.) She said she couldn't send to one of my others. It showed up in the bulk mail. Good thing I am happy to get any mail, plus that is where some of the absinthe ads end up.

She also had a death to report to me. A friend of ours. I hope she is ok. I wish I could do something more than pixels on a screen for her. If she tells me she wants to talk I will call her. I may try anyway. She has had to deal with many people she was close to dying. I am not sure how her relationship was with him, but it really does not matter. I am unable to be there for a funeral, but I do want to make sure she is ok, and I know of no way to do this.

I also mis her very much. I wish that our communication were more frequent. I have started letters to her from here, but have not sent them, as I don't know what to say. I shall start (and complete) another one, and attempt to send it, as I am under the impression that I am still able to send out mail, since some of my music arrived today. (I wish the book I bought for JH would get here.)

I finally spoke to my father. Debi told him that I would like a motorcycle. I, of course, would not mention it to him unless I wanted a Harley. He also mentioned a few jobs and pushed me to check out Union Pacific as an engineer several times, which I may do, but not yet, except to see what it says, as it is too soon to look for another job. I do not really want a job like that right now. I want to create. There are many things to pleasure the eye, ear and mind that I wish to work on. I also wish to seek out further education. There are many places I still wish to visit, much I wish to do before I no longer have free time again.

Finally figured out why I thought I had read a book somehow related to chaos magic that had something to do with Genesis P-Orridge. I own FUTURERITUAL (which he did the intro for...that book gets associated with CM, but doesn't really fit with it, although it is also interesting, for other reasons.). Also in my search I found several things mentioning some kind of connection between him and TOPY (founder?).
Comments: Read 7 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, January 28th, 2004

Subject:Back up, son, gimme room, gimme room...
Time:12:24 am.
Mood:tired, thirsty.
First, we are temporarily out of water...

I decided to take a book, Immortal Coil, with me when I was on the tower. Finished reading when we got to our first destination on the convoy today (this was supposed to be about a third of the way through our entire trip, but ended up being the halfway mark). The convoy was a waste of time (Time, because we ended up in a traffic jam, someone jack knifed, then a HMMWV hit 'em...when they were pulling it out the wrecker got stuck, so they had to get another one to pull it out. A waste in general due to the fact that we went to go pick up some people and pick up a tent. We got there, no people, no tent. To prevent such from happening the guy in charge of the convoy asked if anyone had called to verify that those we were going to get were there. He was told they were. Love it.)

I noticed at some point during the week that I felt very much as Data was described as feeling in the book. By that I mean, obviously, emotionally (remember, he hasn't always had emotions), especially when he didn't know how to react to them. Sad thing is I am worse with it than he is.

Have other topics I wanted to discuss, but I will worry about that in the morning, if I ever get to sleep.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, January 22nd, 2004

Time:8:40 pm.
Mood: melancholy.
Little picture of Saddam I get to use to ignite things with, toy gun looking thing so I can shoot others and myself in the face, and a bright, blinky thing that reminds me of cop lights, but could cause seizures in some. Fun toys, until I lose them. Also got a silver rocket for Angela, if she wants it. Really odd paying more for the lighters than for a carton of cigarettes, even if they are each only 5 bucks.

The wonderful fool that I am, out of desperation, perhaps talking to people who seem to care for the wrong reasons. Just tired of always swallowing it, trying to forget it as it devours me from inside. I think I decided I have given up trying to fix things. Was not open for the first time with he who was trying to help me. Went to all the trouble of getting the chance to speak to him, then blew it off. All unimportant, really. I have only one goal at present, try to make someone happy, then I again do not care. This one little thing appears as though it may take much effort and time. All I seek is their smile and joy.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, January 18th, 2004

Time:3:59 pm.
Mood: sad.

"To open door:
Pull door shut..."

Tomorrow I begin a week of visits to one of the Temples of the Phallus. Twice daily I shall devote 4 hours in honor to some deity, surely masculine, and somewhat against my choice. While at the phallus temple I shall attempt to intimidate and protect, destroying if necessary. During this time I shall further seek out Ares, although I prefer Her, in all Her forms, by all Her names, but Ares seems to rule here. If I am unable to do as I wish I shall develop myself and my world.

data lost in transmission...interference...empty...hollow influx of persistent signals...beep-beep-beep, nothing...static...encrypted...grab, store...
End of Transmission

reduced to the barest bit of what it is...the creature is praised and loved...nothing felt if not providing a means to preserve the self...weak, and mighty...toss aside the survival-state, the instinct dropped to fit with the "civil folk"...false and vicious kindness in response to the disturbances by those who notice...the need still there but hidden away and covering the already hidden emotion...trying to bring forth the emotion, the love, the forgotten...forget survival...wrap the beast in the clothing of men, make it look like them...make it let it all out as the need is tossed aside...confused, it drags this behind the back...ignore it...treat it like a decoration as it dies off...hate it when it strangles you with the rag you have torn to pieces...chip away at what was left of it, overlooking the gnawing off of the fur, to suit your own needs...ignore it...it begs, IGNORE...shatter, shred all that is left...scream at it as it releases what you ignored, what you had it hide...kick it in the face as it growls, then fear it when it pounces...ignore the needs of all but yourself, you wish it to remain but refuse to help it survive in your world...send it off, back to where it came from, weakened with little to defend the existence it has managed to hold onto...left to starve as it has forgotten how to hunt...a scrap of preserved flesh you tore off it long ago, refusing anything more than a tiny taste...it seeks death, unsure if of who is to kill and die, where or when...hunger leads it to seek out other sources of food where it is again kicked in the face...ignored except as a pest, attacks when they turn there backs, consuming all that they are, but never becoming like them...out into the burning desert light to see the rain fall and plants grow...death-life and change emerge as the skills learned are lost and the joy is learned, but pain brings forth the doubt and wish...nurtured but still empty...it returns to you, as it always seems to, and looks at you with love and pain...fear...needs anything...

Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, January 8th, 2004

Subject:Fear what is to come...what I become...
Time:9:37 pm.
Mood: drained.

just wish I HAD MY DAMNED FREEDOM! Maybe early april.

Wrote a little bit. Tiny little bit. It actually rhymed, kinda. Didn't sound like rap lyrics, either. Hope to avoid letting it go there when that is not my goal. Realised while writing that some of it had multiple meanings before it came out of the head, such as the variation of the piece used for the subject of this post. Too much open use of some opinions and experiences. For some reason there was minimal obstruction of meaning (which often provides further inspiration as I find what that which I use to hide the original ideas means to me.) Had to write when I did or had to take a long break, and since I had a very short time limit on what I was doing I wrote while waiting for the ancient machine to complete what it was doing, so as to continue my work.

Was having problems by that point. Took me like 5 minutes to create a folder, name it, create another folder in the first, name that one, then take a file from an email and put it in the second folder. Kept getting confused and forgetting what I was doing.

Got to be creative later also, as I had to brief our stuff today (also did it yesterday...really getting tired of it). Took our basic slide, and since what I was talking about mentioned a chicken farm I added some clip art. Goofy smiling chicken head, and a white chicken. found a decent gasmask for the white chicken and shrunk it down and put it on the head. Now I had a chicken that could protect itself. Gave my information but didn't have the balls to throw in "We should also keep an eye out for mutant chickens that have acquired super strength and endurance due to exposure to chemicals. These chickens could present a problem if they decided to attack us, and they could possibly counter our defenses." I think I wanna write more about them, maybe do some comics, and call them something original like "Teenage Mutant Ninja Chickens" or something.
I sure do love fowl things.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, January 7th, 2004

Subject:Oscar Wilde, motherfucker! C'mon now, son...
Time:10:22 pm.
Mood: sad.
Not in good mood, loneliness creeping back, not that it was ever really gone. Trying to be healthy and wise with my eating. That doesn't work. Could either accept a little body fat or quit eating. Eating gives me something to do while working and watching stuff before I go to bed.

Been really considering writing, but I am unable to devote the time I feel I should to it. Been storing the stuff in my head, so that will be good until I forget the stuff.

Once I have my freedom, what will I do. Need money, so I should get a job. Need to satisfy my hunger for knowledge, so I should go back to school. Need to create all the things I want, of which only a few need money that I do not have at present, and all of which require me to be able to work on them when inspired or motivated, so I should neither go to school or work. Also so much stuff I wish to see and do. Maybe I should just travel around... Dunno how I will survive with that, and doubt I would have the few people I do have at present after a while. I can't seem to keep in touch with people very well. Maybe I will figure out what I should do when the time comes. (I hate doing that)

Read about some black absinthe. 160 proof. Sounds nice. Actually rubbing alcohol sounds nice right now.

I think I will sleep now...
(damn these tight pants, squishing my stuff...gotta keep pulling them back down...so used to the loose pants I came with that the new ones they gave me recently suck...wonder if anyone else would like em on me)
Comments: Read 7 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, January 6th, 2004

Subject:Why you too should skin yourself and make clothing with this shed layer!
Time:8:04 pm.
Mood: jealous.
Yes, Yes...I wish to leave. Why not just let me go away. I doubt they really need me here. How could me not being over here change anything. Need to work on mind stuff. I need to remember I am too mean to myself.

"Watch, all, as we remove the freaks arms. Decomposing flesh next to raw, living flesh. The arms do not become tainted. And behold, the freak can still move the arms, with the dead flesh, even when no longer attached to the body. How could such be possible? Well this is just the beginning! To see more and find out dark secrets, things that no one should know, just buy a ticket and come inside..."

I don't know how I will ever be able to keep up with all that is current with the music that is most important to me. Orgy announced their new album, Punk Statik Paranoia, and have released a single. It took fucking long enough. I was scared they were never gonna put out another album. I checked Amazon.com, so I could pre-order it and found that not only did they not have the album listed, but they did not have the single listed either. I informed them. There are some albums I need to order. While at the D1 site found out that Zeromancer had released another album...didn't see it on Amazon. Also read some stuff about The Birthday Massacre. I would really like to be exposed to, and a part of so much music. I continued looking through the stuff listed on the D1 site and would really like to listen to some of the stuff. Maybe if they stop being retards with the computers, or when I get back to the States. I think I will keep an eye and ear on D1 and suggestions from them. So desperate for the wonderful music. (can't even listen to "The Obvious" as these fucking computers have nothing...can't listen to music unless you are logged in as the admin...fuckers...and I left so much music I wanted to bring back with me...damn it...and I just fucking embarassed myself in front of one of the very few people who I would consider doing shit with when we get back...damn him...me done now)
Comments: Read 10 orAdd Your Own.

Time:12:42 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
Sadly, I have been noticing for the past several days that I am no longer skinny. Perhaps some parts of me are still skinny, but I don't think overall I am anymore. Maybe I need to be anorexic or some shit. Or maybe I need to regain my freedom, and be able to eat what I want, if I decide I need to eat, but will not likely need to eat as I will be too busy learning and creating and being entertained. Doing little bits of stuff to build upper body, but just a little, and little else. Perhaps I shouldn't pull on my man boob, as it is muscle, not like I thought. What about the fucking arms? Bah, I don't really give a fuck. Perhaps if it could get me a job that I would like I would care, or if it would get me sex (but the only part of the body needed for sex is in another area...lemme think for a bit).

I feel that I would be better off if I had things I enjoyed here, or freedom, or happiness. They did get us a bunch of computers and internet down here where we live, but we are leaving soon, so it was a bit late in the game to be doing this shit. I suppose it will be put to use though, as rather than eating right now I am updating this. That is a good thing, as I had a large breakfast today. I usually don't get breakfast, unless it is an omlet that someone brings me.

Don't usually eat real meals. Yesterday I had air-berries for breakfast, then for brunch I had some of those butter cookies. After that I had some more butter cookies, and had butter cookies for desert. Then I had some butter cookies. I ate various crappy candy all day, then chewed on a plastic toy thing that didn't work. For lunch I had some little almond joys and some reese's fast breaks. There were some more so I ate them for desert too. Then I had some more. I found a few more almond joys, so I ate those. I ate more butter cookies at some point, and had something else to eat that I don't remember. Then I went to dinner and had two chicken things that were all greasy. Had a bunch off this disgusting milk. Had some other stuff...food I think, and a salad. Up until dinner I was in front of a computer doing stuff most of the day. After dinner I sat at this computer for a while, then went to bed. Then woke up, went to work, ate, and have actually been doing stuff until I came back to this computer. Working on a truck. Maybe I should go see if I can finish up.
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Saturday, January 3rd, 2004

Subject:When I grow up (I wanna be a cartoon)
Time:1:33 pm.
hmmm...a bit of a tribute to Garbage in the subject...(yes there is, don't argue, just read first half...good song)...only fitting since I have been tormented with hopefulness that I finally got these heaps of outdated and inferior so-called technology to play some MPEGs...then they just lock up, looking back at me, blinking, as I look at them, blinking


Finished TLD the other day. Interesting how the stuff I expected was much less interesting than the unexpected, as he mentioned a lot of ideas that I felt were dumb and convenient that I had done over the years, just in case. Also amusing was that the book I purchased with this one was published by the same company, and even mentioned at the end of it. Will have to read it again as soon as I get done with some of the books I am reading through, and other things I am currently working on. Hope those damned typos and such do not bother me so much next time.

Watched Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me yesterday. Very good. Do not know why I ignored it for so long. This, accompanied with some other stimuli have had my head spinning for the last day or so. So many ideas, so much to do, but nothing but frustration comes from it, as I am here, and too busy to do anything other than my purpose for being here with a little entertainment before I sleep.

Finnegans Wake came back to me again while looking for some of RAW's books I have here. Discovered that in the intro to FW it mentioned RAW and Illuminatus!. I was looking at The Historical Illuminatus Chronicles: The Widow's Son, in Part Two, in the first chapter (on page 83 in this edition) a footnote regarding books about Finnegans Wake. Will likely begin reading that again. Also considering beginning my Islamic research again, as well as looking into organisations I have been interested in for years, but due to circumstances have not pursued. Still on Finnegan, I think I want to move to Dublin (Ireland) for a bit, mostly for educational reasons. Must do research on that. Brain just did a data dump.
"In the name of Annah the All-maziful..."

Things that are floating around...education, inspiration (words, images, sounds...emotions, sensations), dreams, joy, sadness, hope, plants and chemicals and brains...or just one brain, the wonderful vacuum (as opposed to the horrible vacuum that I am attempting to destroy, or at least control), loneliness, relief...

I have learned a bit from the shrink, but as soon as I feel a bit of progress on both parts it has to stop, as I have more important things to worry about. I have things i really want to say and do, but I resist. Happiness and love, hope, sadness. Lost, but found...and I know it is like the top of the hour glass, fading away, rather than the bottom, as there is nothing to feed it or help it become more. I hate being here, but mostly how I am here, or why, but not where. I would love to be here, free to do as I wish, to learn, to explore, as I see fit. I will consider returning after I leave, but not like this.

So much to do...

Want freedom...

Need support and motivation...

Fall to the ground, slither, crawl, do what you must, as your new legs have not yet been crafted. They shall.

Pain and joy, anguish and progression are more beneficial than static complacency.
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