5407 (5407) wrote,

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When I grow up (I wanna be a cartoon)

hmmm...a bit of a tribute to Garbage in the subject...(yes there is, don't argue, just read first half...good song)...only fitting since I have been tormented with hopefulness that I finally got these heaps of outdated and inferior so-called technology to play some MPEGs...then they just lock up, looking back at me, blinking, as I look at them, blinking


Finished TLD the other day. Interesting how the stuff I expected was much less interesting than the unexpected, as he mentioned a lot of ideas that I felt were dumb and convenient that I had done over the years, just in case. Also amusing was that the book I purchased with this one was published by the same company, and even mentioned at the end of it. Will have to read it again as soon as I get done with some of the books I am reading through, and other things I am currently working on. Hope those damned typos and such do not bother me so much next time.

Watched Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me yesterday. Very good. Do not know why I ignored it for so long. This, accompanied with some other stimuli have had my head spinning for the last day or so. So many ideas, so much to do, but nothing but frustration comes from it, as I am here, and too busy to do anything other than my purpose for being here with a little entertainment before I sleep.

Finnegans Wake came back to me again while looking for some of RAW's books I have here. Discovered that in the intro to FW it mentioned RAW and Illuminatus!. I was looking at The Historical Illuminatus Chronicles: The Widow's Son, in Part Two, in the first chapter (on page 83 in this edition) a footnote regarding books about Finnegans Wake. Will likely begin reading that again. Also considering beginning my Islamic research again, as well as looking into organisations I have been interested in for years, but due to circumstances have not pursued. Still on Finnegan, I think I want to move to Dublin (Ireland) for a bit, mostly for educational reasons. Must do research on that. Brain just did a data dump.
"In the name of Annah the All-maziful..."

Things that are floating around...education, inspiration (words, images, sounds...emotions, sensations), dreams, joy, sadness, hope, plants and chemicals and brains...or just one brain, the wonderful vacuum (as opposed to the horrible vacuum that I am attempting to destroy, or at least control), loneliness, relief...

I have learned a bit from the shrink, but as soon as I feel a bit of progress on both parts it has to stop, as I have more important things to worry about. I have things i really want to say and do, but I resist. Happiness and love, hope, sadness. Lost, but found...and I know it is like the top of the hour glass, fading away, rather than the bottom, as there is nothing to feed it or help it become more. I hate being here, but mostly how I am here, or why, but not where. I would love to be here, free to do as I wish, to learn, to explore, as I see fit. I will consider returning after I leave, but not like this.

So much to do...

Want freedom...

Need support and motivation...

Fall to the ground, slither, crawl, do what you must, as your new legs have not yet been crafted. They shall.

Pain and joy, anguish and progression are more beneficial than static complacency.
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